Men: Lonely and bitter on Valentine's Day? Go get some!

Gents, you'll never have an easier time getting laid with as little effort put in as you will today. Many men consider this one of the worst Americanized holidays, and it is.. but it doesn't have to be. Do you realize how many single, lonely, desperate, jealous women there are out there today? More than I'll have time to stick my manhood in, that's for sure. Fellas, if you're alone and are sick and tired of not getting any, GO TO THE BAR TONIGHT. Not 'O Flannery Irish pub down the street, either. Go to a mid-scale club, and you'll notice something that is difficult to spot any other day of the year. You'll notice women. Most of the will be alone. You'll notice a desperation in their eyes that is practically begging you to buy them a drink and talk to them.

Why, you ask? It's not that they actually want somebody. It's that one or more of their girlfriends has a boyfriend to be with them, buying them outlandish sh*t that they don't need. Women don't like the idea of other women getting sh*t that they don't, which is why women hold grudges against one another indefinitely. That's where the magic happens, babies. Women need someone today. As a matter of fact, many women keep an unofficial tab on today's date, attempting to secure a boyfriend (or at least a date) before today arrives. The ones who have failed will either be eating ice cream at home watching Sex and The City and crying, or they will suck it up, put on their sluttiest outfit, and wait for a guy to buy them a drink at the bar, potentially filling them up later on that night.

So men, please. Do not be bitter. Do not feel alone. Trust me, single women today are far worse off than we are. If you want an easy catch, go to the bar tonight. I would, honestly, but I don't have to. I put my legwork in ahead of time.

I wasn't sick. Note: Names and dates have been protected just by the odd chance that if this blog is found, I can somehow OJ Simpson my way out of the situation. I'd bet my last dollar or my left leg that this person (or one of the other lonely broads) on my contact list will text me or call me with the same plea. Why? As I've said, I've already done my legwork. You won't find yours truly at the bar tonight fellas, but if you do go, a handful of lonely women invading your inbox on a weekly basis could be in your immediate future. Trust me, I would never intentionally steer you wrong. Go get lucky.

Why is internet dating still sad?

Within the last two decades, the internet has exploded to engulf many aspects of our lives, changing how people communicate, entertain themselves, and handle business indefinitely. The online dating boom followed these trends, forever erasing the stigma of being a loser because you're dating someone that you met on the internet. Everybody's doing it, so surely it's no longer something to be embarrassed about, right? Wrong. If you are female (especially if you're good looking), it's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed over in today's society. Why? It's simple: Everyone knows that women don't have an issue getting laid, even the horrifyingly ugly ones. If you're a male, you probably want to keep that OkCupid or Match profile hush hush, because unfortunately it's nothing to be proud of.

What actually makes this sad is that the general stigma still applies for the men who can't find women in a regular social environment. The very people online dating was made for should still feel ashamed for their participation, although the "hotness of humanity" gets a pass. What makes internet dating sites particularly pitiful to observe are the countless hordes of men who flock there because they have no game in the real world. It's a rough sight to see, because even as it pertains to internet dating only the seemingly attractive, charismatic, and outgoing men are landing anything worth bragging about to their friends. The poor, unkempt, superinternetvirginnerd still ends up batting flies in his room, eating pizza rolls, playing video games, and fantasizing about what it would feel like to hold a girl's hand. Forever alone.

I'm not trying to pick on you gentlemen, I feel for you. I want to help you get laid. I'm a nerd myself - although a gym membership, a persona which conveys confidence, witty vernacular, clothes without video game quotes on them, and a shower every once in a while make me appear attractive and desirable to the opposite sex.

I'm not the douchebag "Pick-Up Artist", so I'll stop right there - but fellas, if you're going to have a dating profile online, you'd better use the same tips you've been given in order to pick up women in the real world. Otherwise, you'll have wasted 12 hours setting up a page and hoping for a response when you could have productively spent that time leveling up in WoW and masturbating. God speed gentlemen.